Pedo Fairies, the Missing Link, and Fish Sticks
by yamigoddesslj
Summary: The Disney spoofs are becoming a regular thing, hmm? So I'm putting up each one...here! Ta-daa! The webisodes of YG's Disney Carnival Shebang. Each chapter is one fic, and this is where my new ones will be posted. CONTAINS BASHING OF DISNEY.
1. OMG Memo!

Memo: Episodes! This is now a series!

Okay, so here's the lineup!

Marik and Malik: Pinocchio, Aladdin

Alice in Wonderland: Ryou and Bakura, just 'cause I said so.

The Lion King: Marik and…hmmm…I think probably Jono on this one!

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: Marik and Kaiba

I'm going to do this like Little Kuriboh and update WEEKLY. I have to do life stuff in between writing and watching movies. Sundays (Monday mornings?) will probably be the most frequent days, since I don't attend church and have a lot of spare time on Sundays.

I'll post them as separate chapters on this fic, so mwahaha! Any memos that come up regarding lineup will be posted on this as well.

Chapter one: Pedo Fairies and Sexual Innuendoes. The one that started this whole shebang (also a very good Ricky Martin song, 'She Bangs')

Chapter two: The Missing Link and the Humping Dog. Introducing…Yami, everyone!

Chapter three: Make it popular, folks! Holy Fish Sticks, Flounder! It Talks! (Feel free to use this phrase whenever it is called for. I made it up, I'm whoring it out for personal use.)

Chapter four: Well, we'll see what's next, hmmmm?

Also, if you want to help me 'analyze' Disney, go on and help! Take what I've written and run with it! Write your own, and send me an email about it, because I'd love to see what all you splendid readers come up with!


	2. Pedo Fairies and Sexual Innuendoes

Pedo Fairies and Sexual Innuendoes

A/N: Largely dialogue-based, but funny. Bakura REALLY doesn't get Disney. I never realized how hard it is to explain it anyway…

Disclaimer: Don't kill me for bashing Cinderella! Please! I love Cindy, I do! I don't own any of it, btw.

LET ME REITERATE THAT THERE IS BASHING OF DISNEY IN THIS FIC. BAKURA DOES NOT LIKE CINDERELLA. AT. ALL. I LOVE THAT MOVIE! DO. NOT. FLAME. ME. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED THREE TIMES NOW!

* * *

"Wait, wait, _wait._ So…let me get this straight. Stepmothers are, by default, evil?"

"Yes, 'Kura, that's why they're _evil_ stepmothers." Bakura crossed his arms, staring down his hikari.

"So. In this ridiculous movie, the stepmother is the bad guy." Ryou nodded, hoping a nice smile might calm Bakura's freakout over the Disney movie. "So, if all stepmothers are evil. Say you meet this really nice lady on the street, and you start talking, and it turns out she's remarried to a guy with kids, but you really like her, because she's…nice. She's an evil stepmother?"

Ryou's face hit his palm with an audible smack. He played the movie from where it was paused. Bakura was making this experience painful. He'd just wanted to watch *Cinderella* in relative peace. But his dark half _had_ to get in on the fun.

"Holy fuck, the mice are _singing_!" But he could not leave it there. "I am _appalled_, Ryou! Not only are all stepmothers fucking evil, but all mice can-sing?" It came out a little strangled. "And scullery maids as heroines? Really, now?" Ryou put his hand on his yami's shoulder reassuringly.

"'Kura-kun, you're just supposed to go with it. It's Disney." Bakura scowled at the television, where something was dancing. Bakura groaned again, and Ryou knew another rant of misunderstanding was on the verge.

"Okaaaay, I don't get why only the heroine, Salmonella or whatever her name is-"

"Cinderella, yami…"

"I don't care, she can be Jeffree-fucking-Star and I'll still hate her. That says a lot. I hold him in high regard." He shook his head a little as he got back on track. "She doesn't have any kind of accent! But almost, if not _everyone_ else does!" Ryou stroked his yami's arm lightly as he laughed, trying to come up with an explanation for that one.

"I don't know about that, 'Kura."

"Also, why is everyone except for Prince Pansy and Salmonella ugly? All the good guys are obviously good, and the bad guys are ugly." Bakura almost managed a pout. Almost. "I'm a bad guy. Therefore, in a Disney movie, I'm ugly. That makes you pretty and me ugly, and I'd kill you all before I let that happen. I think we both get to be pretty."

His yami fell silent, and Ryou smiled at Bakura's intense focus on the movie. Unconsciously, he brushed his fingertips down the side of his yami's face that was turned to him, shaking his head dismissively as his yami turned to him. The remote pointed at the TV. Again. Pausing the movie. Again.

"What the living hell is a fairy godmother?" A pause. "The fat fairy in the blue dress. What _is_ she and why does she have a fetish for the scullery maid's clothes? And, for that matter, why do those mice?* And why does she talk to them?" Ryou crossed his legs Indian-style on the couch, facing his yami with a patient face.

"A fairy godmother is…" His eyes lit up. "She's someone who protects you! She wants you to be happy, but she's not your lover, she's just like a nice old grandma with magic."

"So she's like Yami?**" Ryou frowned in the hikari-way that never threatened, but got a collective 'awww' from whatever room they happened to be in.

"No, 'Kura, that's mean. I thought we were working on that, 'Kura-kun." Bakura crossed his arms again and tried to look haughty. His hikari's eyes grew bigger and bigger, and the cuteness melted him.

"Fine, not like Yami. Alright, she's a pedo fairy." Ryou rolled his eyes. "So the pedo fairy sucks bad. She's trying to use…what's this bibbity-bobbity-shit? It's no spell I've ever heard of."

"It's not in a dead language because little kids don't like dead languages."

"So you're a little kid?" Be patient with the ancient thief, Ryou reminded himself.

"The movie is geared toward little kids, 'Kura, but everyone watches Disney." Bakura groaned.

"Alright, so the pedo fairy who can't speak Latin is undressing and redressing the scullery maid so she can go to this…ball, which is another word for dance, and not a sexual innuendo, and meet this Prince Pansy." Ryou hesitated before nodding. "Now, what are the odds he'll like her anyway?" Ryou sighed.

"It's true love, yami."

"And how the _hell_ is she gonna be the prettiest? Is pedo-fairy casting a glamour on her?***" Ryou took his yami's face in both hands.

"How am I the prettiest?" One eyebrow raised. "See? It's like that." He let go of his yami's face, playing the movie again.

It seemed like only an instant later.

"It's a fucking pumpkin. Those are some kind of animal. There are physical laws to obey here! You can't take something like that and make it something else just-poof! There's a price! Always, there's a price! Holy fuck!" And then… "Okay, the bitch lost her shoe, and she's still running? Any decent drag queen'll tell you that you ain't supposed to run in one heel, honey!" he yelled at the TV. "Oh, right, Prince Pansy, just pick up the anonymous shoe. That could be contaminated for all the ass knows." He looked at Ryou.

"Alright, sorry to tell you this, but if I fell madly in love with you and you lost a sneaker at some club, I would not be picking up the shoe and asking everyone around if it was theirs. I'd have noticed your shoes in the first place. Who wears _glass shoes_? That's fucking ridiculous!"

"Yami, it's supposed to be romantic!"

"And she didn't even tell him where she lived? And he didn't use any good lines on her. What are they going on, eye-fucking? You can't tell everything about a person from a dance!"

"Yami, it's _true love_."

And even later…

"And, in conclusion, people…" the dark half said in the voice of an American news broadcaster. "Love is stupid, pedo fairies are good, and sexual innuendoes will rule the world." He made a grand sweeping gesture around the den, to his imaginary audience. There was one person in the room, whose arms were crossed, one eyebrow raised. "The filmmakers were all on Vicodin and acid during the making of this movie! Thank you! Thank you!" Bows. Ryou laughed as he put down the camcorder. He'd told Bakura that it was a device to purify the air or something, and Bakura had eaten it up.

"This is going straight onto Youtube!"

Ryou was not seen or heard from for three weeks. The video got 67, 396 view the first day.

A/N: Request fic from my friend! She hates Disney Princess movies in general, and I thought, hey, it's early in the morning, and I need entertainment. So…this happened.

* 'cause an ugly prostitute doesn't make as much as a pretty one. She talks to them because they pimp her out.

** yes, exactly like Yami.

*** obviously so, because what are the odds that she's the absolute most gorgeous gal on the planet? Really.


	3. The Missing Link and the Humping Dog

The Missing Link and the Humping Dog

This one is Yami Yugi watching_ The Little Mermaid_, and I'm making Y. Yugi more civilized. Because he'd be less inclined to random bursts of insanity than Y. Bakura. Don't worry, Bakura shows up at the wrong time. This starts off more sarcastic, but once Bakura comes over to visit…

I have nothing against gay people. I am a lesbian. A lesbian with a yaoi fetish.

Disclaimer: THIS FIC CONTAINS BASHING OF DISNEY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Also, I don't own anything I mention, except a beignet obsession (yummy!), a love for cooking, and knowledge of how to brew iced tea. Yum.

To stariii: I read your profile, haha. I had some time to kill. How about 'stewardesses?' ^-^

"Alright, Yami, what now?" The pharaoh crossed his arms. He made a face like the next words were difficult for him.

"The thief was right!" Yugi sighed. Ryou had warned him about ancient guys and Disney. He had just chalked it up to Bakura's insanity…but, obviously, the two didn't mix.

"How, Yami?"

"These movies are completely ridiculous!"

"How, Yami?" It was a little more resigned than his last iteration of the question.

"The fish-people. First of all, how did they come to be? Also, how do they breathe? And how in the gods' good names does anyone speak underwater?" Yugi used the tactic of avoiding the question, on which Ryou had advised him.

"It's Disney, Yami." He saw the red eyes form that pout that never took over his face, and Yugi sighed. "I'll try, since it's you. I think the fish-people must have been a bad joke by a fish and a man. I guess they have some weird device in their lungs that makes water like air or something. They speak by the wonder of animation, and I'm not sure about how they speak underwater. Maybe they move their lips and communicate telepathically."

Yami sensed that Yugi (a.) had no idea and (b.) was mocking him. He turned back to the movie with no expression.

"Yami, I'm not making fun of you! I just never really thought about it. That's not the point; you're supposed to get a message from it." Yami raised one eyebrow as he paused the movie again.

"You'd think the creepy redhead would make some better friends with a whole kingdom of fish people at her beck and call. That crab-lobster is feeling a lot like you are at this point, I imagine. And the flounder? Why is it bright yellow with blue stripes? I guess that there may be a fish with that coloring, but I don't see why it looks like a toddler who ate too much candy all the time." Yugi shook his head.

"I don't know, Yami." Yami grimaced as he saw the girl's father, the King, whom Yami had dubbed 'Chicken of the Sea'.

"Oooh goodness, where do I begin with that man? How can the old man have a teenaged daughter? A _biological_ teenaged daughter, I mean. How old does that make his wife? Do they have wives under the sea?" A pause. "Oh, yes, sing about your problems. I'm sure that will solve everything perfectly."

"You could sing about your problems. I wouldn't mind, Yami." Yugi was a little teasing.

"Not in your lifetime, aibou. Not. In. Your. Lifetime." He glanced back at the screen. "Alright, the guy falls off his boat and the first thing she does is go rescue him, even though she's just been told not to, and she _sings_ to him. How is singing related to life skills? Is this the message I'm supposed to be getting?"

"Yami…"

"Oh, right, because_ true love_," he mocked the 'fish-girl's' dramatic gestures, "is always perfect and at first sight, never mind that you could have any man in your stupid underwater physics-defying kingdom. And you know his name…I've forgotten, how? Also, you don't even know if this guy is mentally stable! The first time you see him he's dancing with a dog or letting the dog hump him or something! For all you know, he's insane! Gods, what _is_ this movie?" Now he was going into his mood, where he was almost eerily similar to Yami Bakura in temperament. "This movie is strange and does not follow a discernable plot!"

"I thought I heard yelling. What- is- that?" Bakura had chosen this moment to strut in as if he owned Yugi's room, and he was currently looking at the TV as if it were about to explode. "The missing link is singing! Holy fuck, it's another Disney movie! How many did the idiots make?" He plopped down on Yugi's bed next to the 'baka pharaoh,' spitting out his Coke with a messy spray as he saw the villain.

"Gods above, does no one understand?" He was in full wounded-moose mode. "The villains can be just a fabulous as the heroes, for the gods'-"

"You'd think she'd run out of air that far under the water, and why does she have to sing?"

"The fucking magic again! You- can't- do- that!"

"At least there was a price. Yugi made me watch one before-_Salmonella_?" Bakura's smile was manic.

"You don't _sa-ay_."

"The magic- it was ridiculous! Oh, naked woman, pause the TV." He fumbled with the remote. "Pause! Pause! Pause, goddamit! PAUSE!" His Millennium Ring glowed as he was preparing to send the remote to the Shadow Realm.

"Gods, it's over already?"

"The seagull- is- talking! Why does it look like-"

"Jonouchi?" Yami's eyes widened as he looked at the seagull. "You have to admit, thief, the resemblance is striking. Not to mention the fascination with shiny things."

"The dog is definitely several cans shy of a six-pack- maybe five or so." He glanced at the screen. "Okay, you'd think the bimbo would find a fuckin' stick and write in the sand that the stupid ugly squid woman took away her voice because she just_ couldn't_ settle for anyone else in the world- I'm starting to see a theme in these ridiculous movies- and gave her a set of legs, and gods, those are some fine legs-"

"She's, what, sixteen? Isn't that illegal?"

"But it really doesn't seem like a fair trade, because she just looks stupid twirling her- oh, gross! Her hair- on- a- fork! Who listens to the seagull? She does, because she's a ninny! Oh, disgusting, that's some old guy's pipe! It has old-guy drool on it!" Yugi did not comment on Bakura's age and tendency to drool over Ryou's recently-acquired leather fetish.

"Personally, I think she looked better in the sheet."

"You're just so gay, Pharaoh, you have no idea…" Bakura crossed his arms, upsetting his Coke on Yugi's bed, the hikari putting his head in his hands and running for paper towels. "Oh, riiiiight! Sing about it! That_ always_ makes everything better! Are they high? Because if a crab and some flamingoes, which do not inhabit wherever they are natively, for certain, start singing to me, I'm tripping on acid! I'm not gonna kiss that freaky missing-link girl who stalked me all the way out of whatever primordial ooze she crawled out of, I'm gonna start staring at my hand like it's the fucking Messiah! Gods_ damn_ these movies and their gaping plot holes!"

"Oh, more magic. This is not right! She can't just change into a girl and then put the redhead's voice in her, it's one thing too many! There's- a- price! There is _always _a price!" Yami and Bakura were currently shaking their fists at the television. Yugi tried his best to clean up the Coke spill while avoiding both Yami and Bakura's asses, turning his head away. He really didn't want to stare at them.

"I like how those animals attack. Why can't they go for the main characters? And the girl is currently…wait, I'm confused. He likes this girl who was a squid-octopus-hair-lady even though he knows damn well that the redhead was the missing link who sang to him like a total wimp instead of flashing cleavage and using some good pickup lines, but he's all of a sudden bipolar and picks the other chick who happens to have the same voice?" Yami was on the same track as Bakura, who was yelling at the huge squid-octopus-hair-lady.

"Pedo fairy! Pedo fairy! PEDO FAIRY!" Bakura put his head in his hands, a pathetic whimper escaping until he saw the lightning bolts flying out of the SOHL's shiny new phallic symbol. "Oh, now that's more _like_ it! The old guy's a fungus of some kind! And she's about to get the hell rid of those ridiculous main characters! And she's- fuck, no! They can't defeat her! There's no way in hell! Nooo!"

"I don't get the physics on that, either…" Yami was decidedly less vocal than the outraged Bakura.

"The missing link- oh, a RAINBOW! Prince Pansy is_ gay_ in this movie! Yesss! What? Married? FUCK!" He paused, working out a summary for the movie, which Ryou had forced him to watch earlier that day. "Ladies and gentlemen…there is a message to be learned here." He stood, crossing his arms, assuming a victorious stance. "If the missing link can find freakish love, so can you! All you need is a stalker collection of human artifacts, a humping dog, a squid-octopus-hair-lady pedo fairy, two radioactive eels, a Jono seagull, a pre-boiled lobster, a candy-overdosed fish, a dad who's older than Gandalf, vocal talent- which, as Ryou informs me, is not the same as 'throat skills'- mad transvestite skills, and an acid-tripping gay prince!" He smirked widely, having triumphed once again over Disney.

Having made Yugi clean up his mess free of charge? Well, that was just a bonus.

A/N: Yess! I love that movie, sooo much, I'm serious. It's always been a favorite. Thanks to my lovely reviewer Zyrx for requesting this one- I was planning on this one next, but your review made it a reality!

This is a creative outlet for my sarcasm and inherent bitchiness! These Disney fics are fueled by Jeffree Star, whom I_ love_. I'm addicted to the music, haha.

On a different note, YGO fans are the greatest! I've written for FFVII, but in this fandom everyone is so nice and positive- I'll have to write YGO more often! I love you all! I wish I could give you all cookies! Beignets for reviewers! *gives out sugary treats* Diabetics get nommy sugarfree brownies! I love to cook! *returns to kitchen*

Any suggestions? Maybe for the next movie to analyze? Any bits I left out that you were looking for? Give me a shout! Review! Reviews get beignets! (A beignet is a deep-fried dough pastry that's served with powdered sugar, it's reeeeally delicious. It's like a French donut, and they're popular down South, especially in Louisiana! We talk about them like we talk about the Café du Monde and New Orleans, one of my favorite places!) Iced tea will be served to whoever hasn't had it Texas-style too!


	4. Holy Fish Sticks, Flounder! It Talks!

Holy Fish Sticks, Flounder! It Talks!

A/N: This all started with one line: Bakura, are you crying? This story does a bit less analyzing and a bit more reacting, so you may not follow as well if you haven't seen it! Periodic recaps are inserted so you can catch up with what's happening, though, so don't be deterred! Bakura warms up to this movie! Marik…not so much.

Love to all reviewers, favoriters, and readers! Love also to my sister, who's now my collaborator and partner in crime! Also my bunk-bed-mate!

Fueled by Jeffree Star, Shane Dawson, Little Kuriboh, and lots of coffee.

"I don't see what's so bad, Bakura," Marik mumbled, cracking open another can of beer. "It's just alcohol…" He devoured another hot wing as Bakura frowned. "Oh, I forgot! There's a movie!"

"What?" Bakura was currently not even beginning to be inebriated, and he was a little wary of movies, ever since the incident with _Peter Pan_- how was he supposed to know that the kid was _in_ the television and not able to be sent to the Shadow Realm? He'd spent five hours wandering around in the darkness, searching for Ryou's TV under the threat of his hikari 'never liking him again,' and once he'd found it, he'd returned it, for which Ryou had been grateful. He'd still kicked him out to go see Marik for a while, which he'd been _about_ to do anyway, really…

Bakura growled as the logo came on the TV. "It's the cursed blue castle, damn it all to hell-" Marik almost fumbled his can of beer, laughing as Bakura cursed in Egyptian at the 'cursed blue castle.' He couldn't understand what was being said, but it seemed to be definitely profane.

"Oh, let the torture begin-" He was silent as he soaked up the background at the beginning, about how the 'evil pedo fairy' cursed the conceited Prince into being a Beast till he found true love. The catch? He couldn't let this cute enchanted rose die off, so he had till he was 21 to find love before he and his realm was cursed…for-ev-errrr. Mwahahaha-haaack!

Bakura grumbled, ripping off a bit of chicken from a hot wing, chewing on it idly as the movie opened. "Oh, open with a song! _That_ jibe's never been used before, has it? And _that's_ a sucky town?" Marik's outrage began slowly.

"Oh, she should try a basement. Who's the ugly jerk?" Bakura turned noticeably more feminine.

"Oh, Gaston…" he sighed, mocking the girls following the man. "Better question, who's the town brothel following him around? And why is this the first gorgeous heroine the idiots at Disney decided to put in a movie?" From the kitchen, a beep sounded. "Popcorn!" Bakura shot up, running into the other room, where there was perfectly popped corn. In the microwave.

From the couch, Marik paused the movie, groaning as loud crashes and shouted expletives reached his ears. "FUCK YOU, THEN!" The near-silent swish of an object disappearing into the darkness hissed into existence, and Marik jumped off the couch, jostling Bakura away from the glowing microwave, pressing the button to open the appliance. He handed Bakura his popcorn, raising one eyebrow.

They were going to need a new microwave in the Ishtar household.

"I don't blame her for refusing the beefcake asshole! Who does he think he is, Ricky Martin? Who's Ricky Martin? Ryou!" Sharing memories was almost never convenient. "Run, girl! Get away from the creepy stalker guy! Oh, foreshadowing much?" He'd just registered what the girl said about her new book.

"Oh, gods, what the hell is_ that_? What's it supposed to do? Axe-murder people?" He adopted a deeper voice, a mockery. "Hello, I'm an old man. Just step inside this contraption and your wishes for companionship will be fulfilled! Oh, no, the horrible screaming means it's working!" He rolled his eyes. "It could at least be a _subtle_ axe-murdering machine…"

"Alright, her dad looks like Jono! Why is there a Jono character in this one too?" Marik considered.

"Well, have you ever considered that maybe Jono looks like him instead?" Bakura glared at him.

"You're _this_ close to being- right, he looks like he's old enough to die, and you're letting him go off into the woods alone with an axe-murdering machine and a horse that looks like Elvis? Right, she's pretty but not the smartest! Got it!"

"Oh, right, a _shortcut_. He's abusing movie stereotype number 67! And blaming the horse! Shortcuts are cheesy routes to danger! Never work!"

"Oh, come on, they're just bats! They're cute! Look, something's burning! The horse ditched him! Wolves! I think he's gonna have a heart attack!" Bakura crossed his arms. "My respect for you, old man, just went lower, if possible."

"Right, go _in_ the creepy black gates, _in_ the creepy castle- oh, and since no one's there, call for whoever might answer in the creepy darkness! Anyone sensing the not-the-smartest gene running in the family?"

"Holy fuck, it's talking! And it has a name!" Bakura was pointing, horrified, at the candelabra and clock. "'Ello," Bakura croaked in imitation of the- Lumiere thing. "Right, he sneezes on the clock, how rude! And if clocks are talking, I think he's probably on drugs!"

"How anal is that? The talking clock's like, no, not the Mastah's chayah! No tea! No tea!"

"Pedo old man! That cup is only a child!" Bakura exaggerated his British accent. "AGh! It's a wolf-dog-bear thing! Run for your lives!"

"A _talking_ wolf-dog-bear-thing! He's presumptuous! Oh, no, whatever will the old man- Oh! Pwned! He's captured!" Bakura watched the 'beefcake jackass' in the scene change, groaning.

"Oh, great, it's the lech again. Marry the girl? Oh, disgusting! Mud on the book! Massage those gross feet? And- procreate with that cretin? Don't accept, bitch, don't accept! Oooooh! Yes! He just got his! Stay there, idiot, stay in the mud! You look better with dirt all over you anyway!"

"And she runs away, la-la-la! With a burst of random song!"

"And she talks to the horse, and she's going _in_ the creepy gates, _in_ the creepy castle- anyone seeing a pattern? Holy fish sticks, Flounder! It talks! Oh gods, a _gir-rull_! No way! Right, he's in a prison cell, and someone_ obviously_ put him there! I wouldn't be so sure it was the candle and the clock, girl!" Bakura paused the movie.

"Alright, what do we know so far? Over to you, Marik!" Beer and hot wings were disappearing slowly.

"Well, our heroine is a few monkeys short of a barrel! And her father makes axe-murdering machines, probably to shorten his suffering before he just keels over. She has a stalker called Gaston who thinks he's the absolute fairest in the land and sets off gaydar around the country every time he smoothes his hair."

"Be more creative! Like this!" Bakura cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, we're looking for a heroine! You have to be literate! That means you can read, ladies! Anyone who doesn't know the word 'provincial' can step out of line and go home! You need manners and an ability to kill with sarcasm! Oh, and one minor detail! You have to be perfectly gorgeous!" He lowered his voice. "You-also-need-a-grandpa-who-gets-kidnapped-by-bear-dog-wolf-things-for-a-dad-and-a-stalker-beefcake-who-thinks-you're-just-the-most-fabulous-thing-since-Lady-Gaga.-Many-will-enter,-one-will-win.-Remember,-we're-looking-for-someone-who's-not-a-princess,-so-all-you-princesses-can-go-fuck-yourselves.-This-is-a-Disney-public-service-announcement-campaign." He smirked. "Like that."

He played the movie. "What a martyr! Honestly, the old guy's gonna die anyway!"

"And the bear is like, okay! I'll take you over him any day! Hey, you're pretty, what's your name? Get off the floor, girl! Stop crying! You get a pretty room and a host who ain't gonna bother ya, why're you crying? You're not in the prison cell!"

"And of course he says no West Wing, and the first thing she does is ask what's in it! And, grr! It is forbidden! Wow, what a suave way to ask her out! It's not a request! So she overdramatically flies over to her bed and starts crying, even though she_ chose_ this instead of leaving the old guy in the dungeon till he finally had a heart attack- and not only is _he_ tripping, but so is everyone else! The candles and clock and the _dishes_ are talking! Everything moves! Has a personality! Ho-lee fuck!"

"And we cut scene to the stalker…"

"The minion bursts into song! La-la-la, beefcake, you're too sexy for her anyway, I just want you over everything else! And you want her! Oh, Gaston, oh, dahling!" He slumped over, out of his horrid rendition of a girl's indignity, laughing. "The stalker bit is getting a little old, don't you think? Ha ha, he said she tangled with the wrong man. Ha ha."

"Quite…" Marik was a little scared of Bakura's intense focus on the stupid movie, so he paused it. "For some reason, her stalker reminds me of the song 'I'm the Only Gay Eskimo.'" A chorus of the song ensued, owing to too much insanity and spicy chicken cooped up in the same room for thirty-plus minutes.

"I'm the only gay Eskimo-oh…"

"I'm the only one I know-"

"I'm the only gay Eskimo-oh-oh-"

Then, together-

"In my triiiibe!" The laughter that followed this harmony was proof of just how insane the evil yamis could act.

Bakura played the movie. "Oh, dear, the stalker's been thinking! Stop the presses! I didn't think the old guy came over as insane, but…alright, he's officially a jackass." Bakura was, surprisingly, on the side of good concerning this movie.

"Will no one help me? Gods, what a question!"

"Cut scene! Oh, cry cry cry, fret fret -ha-ba-whaa? And- Holy fish sticks, Flounder! It talks!" Bakura used the phrase again. "Its name is…Mrs. Potts. How…original. The teapot is called Potts. Ha, ha, ha. The wardrobe talks too- this is impossible, she says! I'm on drugs again! The jerk slipped me a roofie! Damn it!"

"And stop whining about losing your father, your dreams, everything, blah blah- ya chose it, girlie! Ya dug your grave! Now lie in it, goddamit!" Bakura whistled.

"And stalking in front of the fire, all mad and puffed-up, we have- the Beast! Isn't he a looker? His time's running out! Oh, no! You'll be a Beast forever, and I'll be doomed to be a French candelabra called Lumiere with a lust for a feather duster! You better fall in love with da bitch quick masteh!" Bakura laughed. "How sad. I think he's kind of sweet, for an emo wolf-dog-bear thing." Bakura burst into laughter. "Oh, that smile! Priceless! Great! Cinematic mastery!"

"How's he gonna soak up all that dating advice under that kind of pressure? Gods, they're just spouting it off like a teapot and a candlestick would know how to get a girl! And the clock's just stalling for time because she's a bitch now who doesn't even give the Beast a chance to meet her, hardly! How- how- mean!"

"And now we see how cool bear-wolf-dogs are! Check him out, leaping over everything, and pow-! Bang the goddamn door down!"

"I'm not hungry? I'm not hungry! She sounds like a whiny teenager! Listen, young lady, you come out of here right now lookin' presentable or you're grounded for a week!" The Beast obviously shared these sentiments, as he was threatening the door as much as any yami.

"Damn right, she's being difficult! But- ahem- gently, gently? It's not her virginity, it's- a- door!" Bakura melted as the Beast got more and more emo, sulking in his tower room. "Oh, dear…"

"That was really British."

"But she's killing him! She's so- so- ugh!"

"Cut scene. Bakura, calm down. It's just a movie." Marik laughed. "Niiice, the plucky comic relief! Cogsworth? And…Lumiere? Lumiere is a lech."

"And the teapot's a rebel. What's your point?" He groaned. "Everything that_ isn't_ human is randomly bursting into song! I think you've been up a little too long moaning and groaning your heart out at the poor Beast, chick! Because if the dishes are singing and dancing, you're really in trouble!"

"If this is France, why does everyone speak perfect English?"

"Tricks with his fellow candlesticks? Is that a metaphor for-?"

"The teapot just said she'd get hot…"

"And the clock can't let her go poking around in...ahem, certain places!"

"Ha ha, the clock said 'buttresses.'"

Bakura put his face in one hand. " Riiight, there's a library! Fifty jillion books! But she _still_ goes to the only place she's not supposed to go! And it looks like…drum roll, please- an attic! Oh, gods, noooo!" He cackled. "Alright, the Beast just committed grand jackassery! That running-away bit she's doing is-"

"Too dramatic! She promised! Aaaand he told her not to go in the goddamn West Wing! Dumb bitch," he mumbled. "Nooo! The wolves got Elvis!" Bakura sighed.

"He's a _noble_ Beast, for crying out loud! Girl, you have no idea! He's awesome! Don't just stand there and gape! And…the fight is over, he's hurt, and you finally figure out, hey, maybe he's a nice guy! And then the scene cuts!"

Marik paused the movie. "Care to summarize for me? I've been too busy spotting innuendoes to actually watch the movie." Bakura stood.

"Well, we have a bitchy woman locked in a castle with epic PMS. She locked herself in her room and refused to eat dinner with the emo Beast. He's the best character I've seen in this movie. The candlestick sang a raunchy song about a whore-house and the teapot thought it was sexy. They gave the girl a tour of the castle because she used her feminine wiles, and then the idiot child went right where she wasn't supposed to and the Beast got justifiably mad, so she threw a hissy fit, kicked herself out of the castle, jumped on her trusty steed Elvis, almost got eaten by wolves, almost drowned, almost hit a wolf with a stick, lost her Scrunchie, and almost got the Beast killed. Got it memorized?"

"This is nowhere close to_ Kingdom Hearts II_…" Marik grumbled. "Where's Sora?"

They sat in awkward silence as the movie played on. Belle (Beauty) was busy trying to clean the Beast's wounds, and epic-failing. Fighting between the two B's ensued.

"Hey, the happy couple sounds like you and Ryou sometimes!" Bakura glared.

"They're nowhere close." A smile formed on Bakura's face as he said this, however. Belle really was uncannily like Ryou.

"Cut scene! They're sending the old crackpot with a heart-attack wish to the madhouse! Finally, some plot development!" He ignored the glare from Bakura. "Oh, and the old man's going after the girl who _agreed_ to this deal! Gods, was no one in their right minds?" He groaned, exasperated.

"And the jackass stalker lech is going to put her dad in the loony bin unless she marries him? That's just twisted," Bakura grumbled. "I'd send that ass to the Shadow Realm."

"She's taking Elvis and the footstool for a walk, and somehow that strikes the Beast as…interesting?" Marik rolled his eyes. "Awww, isn't that _romantic._" The dark one's voice dripped sarcasm. "He gave her a library. And she loved it! What a nerd." Bakura was silent.

"Shut your trap, I'm watching the movie."

"Snarf snarf! Dinner is- snarff- served! Yomm, human flesh! Beast love! More!" He affected a feminine voice. "Oh, gross, Beast, use your table manners, dahling." He switched back to the deeper male voice. "But, honey, is good! Supper! Snarf!"

"Insert montage of romantic moments! See, she's not so bitchy anymore! And he's not such a homicidal psychopath! Ha! In your fauxhawk-wearing _face_, Marik!"

"Montage to random burst of song," grumbled the one-upped yami. "And the dumb clock is masterminding some romantic evening for the happy couple. How does that work, exactly? And does it count as bestiality?" Marik was snarky in the face of Bakura's intensity. "I think the Lumiere thing is bi." Marik laughed in Bakura's face. "Cleaning montage to random burst of song! Where's your favorite bear now, Bakura?"

"Reading _Romeo and Juliet_."

"You don't say."

"And that's what we call a Sexy Beast. Look at him. He cleans up well, doesn't he?"

"Yes, but before, he had frills and ribbons all over his head. I liked that better. Oh, yuck! This is what dreams are made of? Yuck!"

"It's a romantic moment!"

"It's a _dance_!"

"It's sweet!"

"It's puke-worthy! She's so in love with him that- Ew! Romance! Mirror given to her? Dude, that's worth so much on eBay, you wouldn't believe!"

"No, don't leave him there! Your father's not as important!"

"And the clock's so stupid and naïve. Gods, can't he see that the Beast is being emo?"

"Gaston is an asshole!"

"Yes, we've established that."

"He's going to take her father and not give him back till she marries him! And he's gonna kill the Beast! Agh, this movie is horrible!"

"Alright, how does the jackass know what the Beast is going to do to their village? And how does the whole frickin' town know where the bear lives? Honestly, that's a gaping plot hole. Does everyone go wandering through the woods to find a 'haunted castle' with a ten-foot wolf-dog-bear and talking décor?"

"I haven't ever done that."

"For that matter, neither have I." A montage of the village preparing to make war on the Beast was showing, along with another random burst of song. A teacup who had stowed away in the girl's bag was attempting to wield the axe-murdering machine, and the girl herself was locked in a room with her dad, being generally useless and crying her eyes out. "Take whatever booty you can find? Sorry, butch, there's no booty in that castle! All the cute gals are dishes and feather dusters now."

"Meanwhile, in the West Wing, the villain is slowly creeping up on the unsuspecting Beast…" Bakura's voice was mock-ominous.

"Who's too emo to fight right now, please leave a message."

"Even though Gaston has an arrow pointed right at him!"

"The asshole."

"He shot him in the back! Did you see that?" Bakura shook a fist at the screen. "If you like a lady, you respect her wishes, moron! Gods, you're such a half-wit, I can't even begin to start a rant over you! You're not worth my air! So- there." He sat back on the couch heavily, glaring at the screen. Marik just gaped at the rehabilitated villain.

"And the bear-dog-wolf is too sweet just to kill him now that his girl's back, so he just fights him till he begs for life! The bear-dog-wolf earns villain-torture points."

"Shit, now that Gaston's dead, the Beast is dying because the ass stabbed him in the back! Ah, man! Just when she came back!" Bakura's voice raised. "No, the Beast can't die! That's not how it's supposed to- damn it!" He punched the air as he sagged back into the couch. "He can't die, damn it."

"Shut up, Bakura. He's getting some of his own. You can just suck it up or go die in the Shadow Realm." He muttered mutinously about hardcore thieves who turned to hikari-whipped pansies, making the ranting below his breath just loud enough that Bakura could understand it.

"I find it ironic that shiny multicolored magical _bullets _are what's making him- holy fuck, he's alive!" Marik groaned. "Yes!"

"_And_ he's a prince, no longer a wolf-dog-bear." The scene cut from a kiss, and Marik sighed. "Yes, Bakura, it's a happy ending. Bakura?" He looked over to the ex-thief, whose eyes were riveted on the scrolling credits. "Bakura, are you crying?"

(It's just so beautiful!)

Afterward: Later that evening. This is shounen-ai, so continue only if you enjoy Tendershipping and shameless romanceyness.

Bakura entered the house quietly. His hikari would have already gone to bed, at this hour.

The ex-thief shrugged off his leather jacket and made sure his eyeliner wasn't smudged from all that ridiculous crying. Maybe it was sleep deprivation, maybe just pure romanticism, but whatever it was, it was new and made him prone to feelings.

Probably, it was a result of that movie.

He put his house key (no trusting yamis with cars) on the table, walking across the spacious house to the bedroom Ryou inhabited when in a huff. Empty.

He checked the master bedroom. Also empty.

Bakura was a little bewildered. It was past midnight, and Ryou was not in bed. A sudden idea sparked in Bakura's mind, and he jogged silently to the den, peering in, careful to make no noise.

There was his hikari, looking lonely as he watched a Sandra Bullock movie. Bakura held back a sigh. He stood straight again, grabbing a knife and heading out into the night.

He traipsed as far as the city park, inhaling deeply as the clean night air hit his face. The park was nearly empty, a few joggers and their dogs milling about, a few couples making out, and an old lady, an aristocratic old thing, was feeding ducks next to the pond. It was toward her that he jogged quickly, over to the rosebushes in full bloom that edged the pond. He sliced through the stem of one rose with his knife, as he had judged it the deepest red, the most perfect rose in the city at night. It had the cleanest scent, pure and full of the sultry-crisp night, and he smiled a little as he looked at it.

"Now, that's a pretty one, young man. Who is that for?" It was the old lady who spoke to him, and he turned, almost raising his hackles, but deciding she was no immediate threat. The woman was, like, eleventy-hundred years old. So he replied.

"The other half of my soul." He walked closer to her.

"Oh, now, that's a good boy. You treat that girl right, make her feel like she's a princess." Bakura cracked a smile.

"I wish I could be all that he deserves, ma'am. He's too good for me."

"Good, good, keep thinking like that. You'll be alright."

"How long have you been married?" He gestured to the ring on her finger.

"Almost sixty-four years." She smiled. "My husband's over there, walkin' the dog. That's a good man. And that's what he tells me, young man. Just keep thinking how he's too good for you, and you'll get along." She turned back to the ducks and Bakura jogged toward home, keeping the rose in pristine condition as if his life was enclosed in its delicate petals.

Again, he entered his home. He put his house key on the table. He took off his shoes and socks at the door. He took off his leather jacket and hung it by the door. He checked his eyeliner one more time, making sure, with a glance, that his white tank top was not a mess. His jeans were not, either, and he sighed, walking, silently, to the den.

Ryou was still there, curled up on the couch, covered in a silvery-purple blanket, watching the same movie. This time, Bakura entered, keeping to the shadows, his hikari's eyes staying trained on the television.

He could see that Ryou had been crying. He guessed that the sweet lighter half had felt sorrow at having kicked him out to go see Marik. It hadn't even been a fight, really, and yet his hikari's heart had died at being cruel to the man who had tormented him for over half of his life.

As Bakura knelt in front of his hikari, whose posture changed immediately, legs unfurling, feet going to the floor, oversized lilac pajamas hanging off his skinny frame. Bakura pressed the rose lightly into Ryou's chest, the younger accepting it.

"It's beautiful, 'Kura. Thank you so much…" His brown eyes became pools of emotion, warm and trusting. "Yami, I-" He smiled as Bakura kissed him suddenly, cradling his hikari's face in one cold hand. He felt warm tears fall on his cheeks, not his own. "'Kura, why-"

"I love you so much, Ryou. I love you." Ryou's smile became one of a quiet happiness as he saw his yami's chocolate-brown eyes, so different from his own, saying so many things that went unspoken- you're so beautiful, I can't live without you, you're the only one I see.

"I love you, too, 'Kura."

A/N: One, two, three- awww! I wuv cuddly 'Kura!

I re-watched_ Beauty and the Beast_ and it reminded me of Tender for some reason- maybe because it's one of my big five favorite pairings in YGO and I was trying to adhere some fandom to it! It almost made me cry- that movie touched me deeply, and I was just Youtubing it on my Droid! I'm a very sentimental person, but only concerning works of fiction, and just about anything reduces me to a crying mess…I cried at_ Kung Fu Panda_. Twice. Yes, people, that's the reality of it.

Review are love! I have three or four fics lined up to write! Reviewers get replies even with that backlog! I want to know how it was- Bakura warmed up to this movie! I hope it was still good! ^-^ If it wasn't, just kick my ass for it and he'll never love again! Promise! *waves*


	5. Isis Was on Her Period: Snow White Intro

Preview: A Glimpse into Weirdness

A/N: Not sure what's gonna happen this Sunday, but I'm thinking _Snow White_, because I have a lot of knowledge about that film, but I need to rent and see it again, but I'm taking my girlfriend to see _Eclipse_ too, so I have to do that, and I have to summer-read-and-annotate for one of my courses, and call the advisor about taking Psych 101, and go see my redneck cousins for Independence Day in Tatum, TX, which means I have to psychologically prep for that ordeal because I really don't like the kids so…eh. I'll do my damndest.

I hate making excuses, but it _is _Independence Day weekend. *sighs* I don't like making these excuses…I really hope you guys won't hate me.

Here's a short prep-thing into the main event, so if it doesn't get uploaded, at least you know what's going on with…Marik and Kaiba *raises eyebrows suggestively*. Also, Cloud and Reno from FFVII make a cameo, because I wuv dem. Hopefully it's funny, funny enough to get you through another couple of days. I know I make myself laugh, at least…*dies* Funny with a little drama, as I'm trying to figure out who's in relationships with whom.

Marik and Kaiba will be together, but it won't go past kissing, maybe a little dirty talk. Or maybe I'll save all that for…_Snow White_? Oh, yesssss….*imagines all the innuendoes awaiting, including the use of the word 'jewels,' and maybe the word 'apple,' if I can work it in somewhere*

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Well, I might own Reno…he's currently tied up and gagged on my bed, you see…*screams are heard, bangs from the next room* HEY, KEEP IT DOWN, YOU TWO! Sorry, everyone, my best friend decided to screw Reno while I'm writing….

Thanks, as always, to my sister YG's Garden Gnome, for beta-ing and bunk-bed-ing and laughing in all the right places!

* * *

Marik still hated the busy city in the daytime. People were strange, and they just seemed to get stranger with each passing day.

_Remind me why I decided to fuck the biggest goddamn celeb in Domino._ Marik scanned the crowd, sensing the brunette's presence as he leaned against the outside of the KaibaCorp building. He grumbled as someone ogled his tan skin, revealed by the short deep-purple top he'd donned without thought. The kid was maybe twenty-five, with bright-blonde hair, spiked up in…well, it looked like he'd been going for Statue of Liberty, then fallen on his side. Marik paused. He was staring at the kid who looked like a set of kebab skewers, and he'd just realized.

"Kid, there's such a thing as _too much_ styling gel." The blonde raised an eyebrow.

"Speak for yourself. What'd you do, stick your dick in a light socket?" It was blunt, dripping sarcasm.

"What's your name, so I can have you assassinated?" The kid, who caressed the hilt of a huge sword at his hip as if it were his lover (Marik didn't doubt it, with an attitude like that), responded cockily.

"I'm Cloud." Marik scoffed.

"What the hell kind of hippie name is that?"

"It's the name my mother gave me, ya fluffy-headed bitch." A redhead, in a suit that looked like he'd stripped it off then hastily put it back on, came galumphing up, whining.

"Cloooud, there's nothing to doooo here, yo! Can we leave now? Pleeeease, yo, I'm gonna commit suicide! I'm gonna die! I'm bored outta my fuckin' skull, yo!" A cigarette dangled from his lips, and he managed to whistle at Marik. "Oh, who's the babe, babe?" Cloud looked, if possible, even more disgruntled.

"Marik. Reno, stop clinging to me, you'll make me trip." Marik rolled his eyes. People got weirder every day, and these two were taking the cake, and the nice pile of cookies next to it.

Marik's rolling eyes lit on a dark-clothed now-almost-twenty-year-old, and his smirk was unconscious as 'Love Rhymes With Fuck You' started playing in his head. Yep, this was making the ridicule from this hippie kid totally worth it. He'd stare at that walk, more of a strut, all day if he could, just to say he'd stared at the almighty Seto Kaiba all day.

Behind the brunette slogged a still-short Mokie, carrying an obviously-heavy briefcase. The kid was finally nearing puberty, and Marik saw that he'd look a lot like a black-haired version of his older brother, once he grew and got a decent haircut. His just-starting-to-become muscles strained against the weight, and Marik 'hm'ed as the brunette looked his way, scowling.

"Maybe you should carry your own damned briefcase, moneybags." He slid one wrist above his head, joining it with the other one, leaning, not-so-casually-anymore, against the outer wall.

Mokuba dropped the briefcase, eyes big gray saucers. "Marik! Yami Marik!" Marik ignored the kid, a bad move, as he ran over and hugged him tightly around the waist, Marik grimacing as he realized where the kid's arms were. "I thought you died! You've been gone for-" Marik place his hand over Mokuba's whole face, not even flinching as the kid dumped a load of saliva on Marik's palm with his tongue.

Instead, he put his free hand behind the CEO's head, crushing their lips together ferociously. Suddenly, he remembered why he'd decided to fuck the biggest goddamn celeb in Domino.

"Three months!" snarled the elder Kaiba. "Gone for three damn months!" Another painful kiss, all tongues and teeth gnashing. This anger, this was why he'd been drawn to the brunette. Of course, the way he was always adored and stared at was a plus, as were the conversations that they could have that flew over Mokuba's head but made Bakura snicker with comprehension. The man was so X-rated, and so closed-off, that the dark Ishtar had not been able to resist the challenge. What a shame it was, that not even his hikari knew of this…well, relationship. It had been going on for nine months.

Marik felt Mokuba milking his salivary glands for all they were worth on his palm, a little shudder of disgust finally making its way up his spine, originating in his hand. Spit trickled down his wrist, down his arm, dripping onto his Nikes. He pulled his hand away, grimacing as he felt the fluid trickle down his arm. "Kaiba, get your brother." He wiped the spit off on Kaiba's immaculate jacket, the elder brother groaning.

"Mokuba, behave. Act like you're human, even though you're not quite so evolved." Mokuba glared and pouted as Seto glared at Marik. "Three months. Where were you while my bed froze over?"

"It's a long story." Marik raised one eyebrow.

"Give me the abbreviated version." Kaiba crossed his arms, grimacing slightly as strings of saliva connected his jacket sleeves. Marik rolled his eyes, brushing his hair out of his face. In all the sudden painful passion, it had fallen over his eyes. Now he saw the CEO's eyes glowing behind the usual coldness. The stoic face betrayed no emotion other than agitation, but he saw that inner man wanting more than just the talking, wanting the lovemaking that was so much rarer than just screwing each other for the sake of screwing each other. "Where have you been, beloved?" It was not even whispered. It was not even really said. It was a motion of Kaiba's lips, mouthing the words so Mokuba would not hear.

"Well…Bakura broke our microwave and tried to send it to the Shadow Realm." Kaiba nodded. "And the rules stay the same- if the hikaris aren't happy, we can't stay around." Kaiba nodded again, eyes positively glowing now. "And Malik's sister was on her period." Kaiba nodded. "And she doesn't like me, anyway, because she thinks I'll turn her brother queer. Like he wasn't already," muttered the yami mutinously. "So she decided she wanted a microwave_ exactly_ like the old one." Kaiba nodded. "So I had to go all the way to Canada…and get a passport before that, because the first one was under Malik's name and we look nothing alike…so I had to fly there because Malik won't let me drive because of that one incident where Bakura 'caused a major bridge to collapse,' and I had to go find this one specialty store in a certain former Duelist Kingdom washout's home that specializes in outdated microwaves- he's got a fetish for them, thinks he can build a Barrel Dragon from old microwaves or something- and pay him two _American_ bucks for the stupid microwave, then I had to get home, and the flight was delayed a day, so I had to wait, then Isis decided she didn't like that microwave anymore, so I had to take the POS to the recyclers, then I had to go to Walmart and buy her the 'cutest' microwave I could find, and it had to be white…and here I am."

Kaiba sighed, shaking his head as the three piled into the back of a sleek black limo. "I wanna sit up front!" whined Mokuba, scrambling to the front. "Kev, can I, huh?"

"Sure, lil' Mokie. Climb up front." Seto slammed up the privacy divider, laughing bitterly as Marik swiped away the three tears that fell.

"I thought you never wanted to see me again, Seto."

"I thought I was never going to see you again, Marik!" He took the tanned face in both hands, their eyes meeting. "Look into my eyes and tell me you believed that bullshit Yami tried to feed you." Marik's brow knitted.

"Look into mine and tell me you still care for me." He glared, eyes glowing eerily with some emotion, but it seemed to be changing so often that he couldn't get a grip on it. "I know I'm the one who chased Jou away, alright? I know that. I don't care, but I know."

"I'm the one who broke it off, Marik. I'm yours."

As the video rental store neared, Mokuba questioned the driver, Kevin, on the groans of not-pain coming from the two men in the back. "Kev, what're Seto and Marik doing, Kev?" The chauffeur groaned in exasperation.

"I'll tell ya when yer twenny-one, Mokie."

Slightly unkempt, Seto and Marik clambered out of the limo, followed by Mokuba, who galloped into Blockbuster with an excitement unparalleled. He selected his movie of choice, waving it in front of Marik, who accepted with a resigned sigh. Disney. He recognized the 'cursed blue castle' Bakura had been so repulsed by, as a vampire to sunlight. He'd picked _Terminator_ for his own selection, and Kaiba had picked an amusing possibility- _Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie_. It looked interesting. And the stars looked uncannily like the Pharaoh and his brat.

More clambering into the limo, more moans and sighs from the back, more questions and whines from Mokuba to Kevin.

And then they were home, where Marik felt was home, anyway. He groaned as he plopped down on the couch, half-sprawled across Kaiba's now-PJ-clad lap. Mokuba bounded up to the DVD player, sliding in his movie.

As the lights dimmed, the cursed blue castle gave way to the title: _Snow White._

A/N: So there it is! Hopefully this tides you all over until this shi-gyah, junk is over. I hope it was funny! If not, tell me never to write anything other than Disney spoofs for the rest of my life! Praise will be adored! Hate will be ignored! Love to you all, have a safe Independence Day weekend if you're in America, and have a wonderful non-Independence Day weekend if you're not!


	6. I Brake For Lawn Gnomes

A/N: Hai everybody! Guess what I learned to do with my tongue!

…No, you pervs! I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with said body part!

I have a new list fic on the way- details at the end of this one! I'm so happy I finally got to write this- it was going to bug me FOREVA! Sry, sry, sooo much caffeine is in my system right now…

I've been experimenting with making them summaries of the movies, so this one is more plot-involved!

Disclaimer: Don't own. Idea is MAHN! I whore it out for everyone's use. The expression 'grass dwarf' is property of Tobi-Uchiha, and I read 'Unconventional' and fell IN LOVE with the phrase, and had to use it _somewhere..._

"What is this, fucking_ Call of the Wild?_" Marik grumbled, clonking Mokuba upside the head with a lamp. "How the hell is singing conducive to summoning creepy-cute forest aminals? And if she sang screamo, what kind of animal would come eat her?"

Mokuba snorted, snickering. His elder brother followed suit, almost laughing.

"Frankly, I'm surprised that you even _know_ the word 'conducive,' let alone are able to use it in a sentence…correctly." Marik scooted further away from the brunette Kaiba, crossing his arms in a pre-sulk.

"Also, how the hell did she wind up living with seven lawn ornaments that seem to have been brought to life? And how the hell did they all wind up obsessed with…jewels? Also, why are so many of their names adjectives? Like their mothers couldn't come up with better names?" Mokuba giggled. Seto groaned. "Right, and this is all because she decided to enter the strange cabin in the middle of the forest, not even giving a thought as to _why_ these people/potential serial killers are living in the middle of the forest, so she ends up living with seven shaggy old redneck garden gnomes that go on mining trips…" His brow knitted. "And the wonder of animation does this…how?"

"Shut up, Marik," Mokuba said quietly, eyes riveted on the screen.

"Shut up, Mokuba!" chorused Seto and Marik. (1)

"And they're shouting, no, _singing_ with their _jewels_ 'hi, ho!' like they're happy to see her." Marik turned to Seto and winked suggestively. "Hi, ho!"

Kaiba's palm met his face and introduced itself with a loud smack.

"And she becomes the cleaning lady and so they keep her around for flirting and cleaning. And cooking. Even though her voice is so _extremely_ irritating…" Marik growled. "And what's with this 'fairest in the land' bullshit?"

"She's the prettiest, what's not to like?" Mokuba, ever-straight, questioned.

"Her hair looks like it's been flat-ironed around a wax candle."

"So? Look at those lips."

"I've seen better," Marik said offhandedly. "And what if she's not the fairest in the land? How do they measure gorgeousness? Is there a scale? Like, from pet rock to Playboy centerfold? And how do they know that no one in the kingdom is gay, because she obviously wouldn't be the fairest in the land, object of all sexual desire to them, right?"

"I don't know, it's Disney!"

"And what if you _are_ gay, is she still counted as the fairest in the land? Because I don't think she's particularly appealing."

"Marik!"

"And she's not all that bright either! She goes in anonymous houses and talks to animals!"

"_Marik_!"

"So the superficially pretty gal with the weird hair is supposed to be universally gorgeous, so the broad with the crown wants to be her, so she has to kill her, and…drink her blood? How's she expecting to become the fairest? I mean, surely someone's prettier than her! Right? Right?"

"Marik…don't throw tha-!" Too late, because the crashing of the lamp hitting the far wall made the Kaiba siblings flinch. "Marik, how many times? Glass…is…_fragile_! That is _rule number four_!" Mokuba groaned.

"You _killed_ my favorite lamp, Big Brother's Whore." Marik glowered.

"I'm not a whore."

"Keep tellin' yourself that, and maybe one day it'll come true, if you wish upon a star…" Mokuba, nearly-thirteen as he was, burst into song as he stood, spinning. "Aaaand big brooother I'm going to get the dustpaaaan…" He spun again, a clumsy pirouette.

"Are you sure he's straight?" Marik mumbled, more to himself than to Kaiba. "Okay, what the hell?" Mokuba had re-entered the room, carrying a dustpan and a brush. He cleaned up the lamp residue on the floor, snorting at Marik's obvious incomprehension of the movie. "The dykey lead villain with a crown is turning herself into an oh-so-less-fabulous old lady and poisoning apples."

"Yyyyep." Mokuba was squatting to clean the mess, and Marik let his eyes roam. Yesss, the kid would be _fine_ someday.

"And the idiot girl decides that the snaggletooth old lady with shiiiny _apples_," Mokuba snorted again, Kaiba groaned, "is the most awesome company in the history of forever, so she helps her out and takes the apple from the woman she's known for under five minutes. And she eats it, because taking food from random homeless ladies is _always_ a wonderful idea!"

"She's a trusting girl."

"Psh, it's as if she's never read or seen a fairy tale in her life!" Marik rolled his eyes.

"She hasn't."

"But _everyone_ watches Disney! Or…so I'm told." Mokuba rolled grey eyes, smiling at the yami.

"The characters don't watch Disney."

"But_ everyone_ watches- oh, right, that's not a dramatic swoon at all! And now the broad is dead, hallelujah!" Marik held his hands high as if in praise of some higher power. "Let me guess…the dead broad in the glass box only wakes up for…" He batted his lashes theatrically. "Twue wove's kiss!" Seto groaned.

"Yes, Marik, that's how it works."

"And that's the only way to fix it! Because normal kids, when they sleep, can be woken with…oh, a good shaking, or a loud noise, or water on the face- or ice down the pants, as Mokie here can attest-" Mokuba blushed scarlet. "But the _fairest in the land_ is too good for ice down the pants, up the dress, down the shirt, what the hell ever! She has to be kissed awake by some random guy she's never met in her life! And you call _me_ a whore," he directed at Mokuba.

"Don't you think it's romantic in the least, Marik?" Mokuba said, rolling his eyes again.

"No, it's gross! And how the hell does the comatose whore-for-dwarf know who her true love is if she can't see him, touch him, or hear him? Come _on!_ Also, noticing a severe lack of openly gay Disney characters!"

"Openly gay is not suitable for children?"

"You're a child now?" Mokuba sighed, giving up.

"Oh, hush."

"Ohhhh, and of_ course_ driving the bad guy off the cliff is going to solve all the world's problems! Oh, look, the seven grass dwarves that were obsessing over the family jewels earlier! They're bringing this pansy-assed prince guy to the dead broad, he kisses her, wham, bam, thank you ma'am, she's awake, la-de-fucking-da, they ride off into a _glorious_ sunset and that's the end!" He paused, noticing, finally, that he was curled up at the extreme opposite end of the couch as Seto, knees pulled in so tightly, back nestled so far into the cushions that it seemed as if he were trying to melt into the couch.

"Marik, what are you doing?"

"Thinking, dammit! Shh!" He paused. "I think I've learned something from this movie!"

"Oh, goodness…"

"I should start taking sexual favors from everyone who stops by my house, I should start taking food from random hobos on the street, and I should lie helplessly in a glass box until some idiot brunette with a taste for money comes to kiss me awake!" Marik smirked. "I'm gonna turn in, moneybags! No garden-gnoming me tonight!"

* * *

The Next Morning...

Kaiba walked out, handing his briefcase to Kevin, about to step into the limo that would transport him to KaibaCorp for the day.

He balked when he saw the bright-orange writing across the back window.

I BRAKE FOR JEWELED LAWN GNOMES!

Kaiba took a deep breath. It didn't help.

"MARIK!"

* * *

A/N: Short, sweet, and…is it crappy? Did I leave a whole huge amount out? If I did, tell me what you want me to add, and I'll add it! I promise!

Also…about that list!

It's…a list of things that yami(s) are no longer allowed to do in Walmart! So, if you have funny suggestions as to what yamis are no longer allowed to do (already done dressing as drag queens and shoving pens up their noses…), just tell me, and I'll add them to the list! It's going to be posted once the number of not-supposed-tos gets over fifty!

Love to all readers, favoriters, and reviewers! *Hugs for all!*

(1). This is Little Kuriboh's comic genius. It's an in-joke, so go watch his funny funny spoofs! Yugioh: The Abridged Series!


	7. Keep Your TV on This Channel

Keep Your TV on This Channel

A/N: This is the last chapter! It seems like this is getting to be the same old same old, so I'm switching it up this chapter- for the grand finale! I feel like I can't really make you guys laugh at this anymore, because you've come to expect this- Disney mocking.

To all new readers, thanks for the love!

To all previous readers, I love you guys! Thanks for the interest!

Disclaimer: Don't own. Thank…goodness. I would _not_ want to babysit these guys.

Bakura threw down the notebook. "There!"

There were four entries, one by Bakura, three by Marik. Each was about a paragraph, maybe two, and each detailed the plot of movies watched over the week.

'_Pinocchio_: A little wooden circus show attraction has a demented cricket as a pet conscience and a long nose to overcompensate for lack of a penis. Wants to be a real boy. Gets it from fairy after a lot of pointess running around and getting swallowed by a whale and lives happily ever after with ancient pedo father. Lesson learned: Crickets have British accents, and Bakura has a British accent, so therefore Bakura is a cricket. Also, whales don't swallow. In theory.' This was one from Marik.

'_Aladdin_: Slumdog likes princess, has monkey to overcompensate for lack of a penis (or a guy's face). Monkey named 'Abu' which just invites trouble. Princess has a tiger. Not indicated whether either pet is trained to operate a video camera. Slumdog had a huge blue 'genie,' which seems like an embedded sexual term, and the villain stroked this enormous staff like it was some kind of…I don't even know. Slumdog gets the girl, but has to commit to all manner of jackassery in order to do so. There was a flying carpet in there somewhere. Lesson learned: Overcompensating. Is. Everywhere. If this was in an Arabic country, why did no one speak Arabic?' This was also by Marik.

'_Alice in Wonderland_: Defies all logic, magic has no price, queen is fat, king is a shrimp. Wife is more butch than husband. Wife is the bad guy. Blonde kid falls down a hole (not a sexual innuendo?) because she followed a talking rabbit while tripping on opium. Finds another talking rabbit and a 'hatter' who is obsessed with tea. A lot of pointless singing and creepy horror-movie grins on cats. Lesson learned: Never, _ever_ follow rabbits _anywhere_ if you've had drugs, because you go on a real…trip.' This was Bakura's.

'_The Lion King_: Lions can talk, and Jono said that the warthog resembled me. The main prince lion whose dad got killed goes up against this other lion to gain control of the pride, whatever that is. Is that a metaphor? Gaining control of pride? Like, really? Anyway, bad lion is followed by hyenas who laugh like Malik, and good lion is followed by a drag-queen meerkat and a very-flaming warthog, and also his girl-lion girlfriend. Good guy wins, bad guy loses. Movie wasn't half bad. Well, wasn't half good either. Lesson learned: Bugs do not taste good if you're a carnivore.' This one was Marik's as well.

Bakura leaned on the table, raising one eyebrow, like a villain from vaudeville. "So…what are we going to do about this?" Marik laughed.

"Bring down the establishment. Bring down the whole…goddamn…establishment." Bakura nodded, frowning.

"But we don't know where its headquarters are located." Marik laughed again, stretching out across the couch.

"Orlando." Bakura looked surprised. He jumped a bit, and a glass crashed to the floor.

"RULE NUMBER FOUR!" Ryou called from the next room.

"Got it, pet! Stupid git," he hissed.

"What was that, 'Kura?"

"Not you, Ry! The stupid glass!" He heard Ryou laughing, turning back to Marik, who lounged like a cat on a sunny day. "What's in Orlando?"

"DisneyWorld." Bakura smirked as Marik held up a lighter and pointed to the door. "Got all manner of flamey things in the truck." Bakura's smirk grew as Marik stood, sauntering out. "I'm driving."

Bakura ran into the kitchen, hugging Ryou around the waist, kissing him once. "Got to go, pet." Ryou's brown eyes widened as he smiled.

"Go where, yami?"

"Honeymooning with Marik." Ryou turned from the stove, his body between Bakura and said appliance for fear of Bakura getting ideas, kissing his yami once more, arms around the pale neck.

"I don't need to hear about your intrepid bromance, 'Kura. Have fun?"

"Always."

"Don't kill anyone?"

"Not intentionally."

"Don't burn anything down?"

"Not even a marshmallow?"

"Marshmallows are okay."

"Still love me?"

"I do," Ryou confirmed, pecking his yami on the cheek before turning back to the stove. "Love!"

"See ya later, Ryou! Love you!" He was about to close the door on his way out when Ryou called out another question.

"How long will you be gone?"

"Hopefully less than a week!" And the door slammed, and Ryou was alone in the house.

* * *

Ryou yawned, stretching languorously in the empty bed. The satin sheets rustled, and he pulled them over him, shivering a bit. Gods, it was cold alone, wasn't it?

He tried to sleep, but it didn't happen, so he got up, padding across the wood floor to the kitchen, pouring a glass of vanilla chai tea, sitting on a recliner and turning on the news.

"Our live reporters have confirmed that DisneyWorld is up in flames! After storming into the management offices and demanding explanations for a number of Disney movies, and 'interrogating' every costumed Disney character at the park, two men have set the theme park ablaze! The two criminals were last seen escaping the inferno, only to be apprehended by state troopers outside of the landmark theme park. Their identities have yet to be revealed. Keep your TV on this channel for updates on this story!"

Something awful twisted in Ryou's gut as the phone rang.

"Hello, Bakura residence."

"Is this Ryou Bakura?"

"Why, yes. It is."

"This is the Florida State Troopers' Department, and we've apprehended Yami Bakura and Yami Marik, just outside of the DisneyWorld Orlando Theme Park…"

Ryou heard no more, for he fainted.

A/N: And this is the end! Love to everyone!


End file.
